


The Waking Nightmare

by Ashfen



Series: A Decade of Love [12]
Category: Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (1974), The Great Gatsby (2013)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Guns, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Nick is depressed, Self-Hatred, So basically, Suicide, dead bodies, depressive spiraling, suicide note of sorts, unhealthy dependencies on others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 17:42:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20362507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashfen/pseuds/Ashfen
Summary: 1936.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Nick couldn't even remember what it had been about, just what had led them both to screaming at each other and slamming doors in each other's faces, to grabbing each other and shoving away._   
_It didn't matter, nothing mattered and yet everything mattered all at once as he sat curled up into a fetal position on the floor of the living room in the apartment; alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE CONTINUING!!!! I'm not joking about them!!!!

They had fought.  
He and Jay _never_ fought. They bickered some, even had an argument or two. But they'd never fought; not in the ten years they'd been living together.  
It had been weeks, _weeks_ of solitude, of waiting for him to come back, of trying to find the courage to call but already knowing the other wouldn't listen. Being convinced that he wouldn't listen.

Nick couldn't even remember what it had been about, just what had led them both to screaming at each other and slamming doors in each other's faces, to grabbing each other and shoving away.  
It didn't matter, nothing mattered and yet everything mattered all at once as he sat curled up into a fetal position on the floor of the living room in the apartment; alone.

_He hates you_  
_Useless_  
_You ruined everything._  
_Your fault_  
_He's never coming back_  
_Worthless_  
**_You should just die_**

It was always like this once he was alone. He'd always hear it in the back of his mind, always whispering, but Jay's love was loud; loud enough to hide him from those miserable words. Words he did all he could to ignore otherwise. But now those words seemed _right_.  
It was his fault they'd fought, his fault things escalated, his fault Jay left.  
So it was only right for him to experience this suffering. That's what he told himself. It was his mantra as he waited and waited for someone who never came back in the morning.

•

The once gentle beams of the morning sun were now bitter rays of light, dragging him back into a miserable reality.

_Of course you're alone._  
_Why would he come back?_  
_You called him something terrible._  
_He probably hates you now._

Of course. That made perfect sense; Jay had to hate him now. He was horrible. Selfish and cruel and horrible.

_Horrible._  
_Horrible._  
_Horrible._  
_Undeserving._  
**_Just die._**  
**_Die._**  
**_Die._**  
**Die.**

Not here; what if Jay came back? Nick didn't want him to see, he couldn't see.

The car.

Was it still there? Had Jay taken it when he left? The man glanced outside at the street and there it was: slate blue with a cool grey around the edges. Not flashy, but still distinct enough to turn a head or two. Perfect for them both.

He wondered if Jay had ever known about the gun. It was just a small pistol, nothing fancy; Nick had purchased it after leaving New York. He'd justified it by wagering that you never knew when someone might come and attack you all of a sudden like Wilson had (he'd hated saying it, _God how he'd hated saying something like that_), and no one questioned it. He'd never be willing to say the real reason.

One last look at the place he'd called home for over a decade. Then, he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU FUCKIN SAY UHHHHHHHH RAPID DOWNWARD SPIRAL INTO DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS?


	2. The Waking Nightmare (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He was fine. He had to be fine. Jay was calling his name now, desperately treading through the foliage. He'd be fine and they could sit down and talk through their emotions, or whatever the hell else, he just needed Nick to be alive, to be okay._

More than anything, Jay was confused. Where was the car? _Where was Nick?_ He'd holed up in his office for a long time after the fight, but upon returning to the apartment it was empty. Asking some neighbors revealed that Nick had left two days ago, and hadn't been back since. Nick had never been an outgoing person, more often than not the other was surprised when people knew his name. So rather than asking around for him, Jay asked if people had seen his car. As it turned out, a surprising amount of people had, and so his search began.

It took him another day to finally track down the car, parked snugly at the entrance of an abandoned grove. The doors were unlocked. Inside, tucked into the glovebox, Jay found the other's set of keys, and a note that sent him running further in.

_ Love is an awfully curious thing, isn't it? We're supposed to spend most of our lives searching for it. But what then? What does one do with the rest of the time? Does love fade? Could it be there when you fall asleep that night, then vanish completely by the time you wake? Or is it something that lasts forever?_

_ I _ _wish_

_ someone would tell me._

_ Love. I've spent so much time trying to find it in a woman, I just didn't believe there was another way. I'm awfully dull, aren't I? I've loved one person for over ten years, and only recently did I discover they felt the same. Will his love fade, like his love for her? Has it already vanished?_

_ I'm scared. Not of dying; no, I don't think I'm scared of that. I'm scared of living in a world without his love. That's why I'm here. I'm escaping before he can deal the killing blow of saying "I hate you". I know it's cowardly to run from this, but I just can't handle hearing that, not from him._

_ I just needed to get out my feelings. I pray nobody finds this note, or me._  
_ If you happen to be reading this, then I'm terribly sorry._

He was fine. He had to be fine. Jay was calling his name now, desperately treading through the foliage. He'd be fine and they could sit down and talk through their emotions, or whatever the hell else, he just needed Nick to be _alive_, to be _okay_.  
'I hate you'? How could Jay ever hate him? How could he hate the man who did all that he could to save him from himself? He thought Nick had hated him after what was said that night, he'd been too scared to confront him.  
And now, he paid the ultimate price for it.

The world around him stopped.

Grass stained a dried brown around his head; it was still mostly intact.  
He was gone. He'd come too late and now Nick was gone forever. What had he been thinking in those final moments? How did he feel? Did it hurt him? Jay kneeled down to take a cold hand in his own, and felt a sob rise up in his throat.  
He was really gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this was a little rushed, but at the same time, I didn't really want to linger too long on this specific scene. Self care and all yeah?


End file.
